tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9764529628052424162024-03-13T21:34:54.086+00:00The Fail RailThese items have slipped into the shallow end of the fashion gene pool while noone was looking.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.comBlogger152125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-78055807853366264522013-04-20T08:25:00.000+01:002013-04-20T08:25:03.751+01:00Schlock horror<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yfV_g7j-rfw/UXJCDEQjiXI/AAAAAAAAATc/i_CmvreQlqw/s1600/boots.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yfV_g7j-rfw/UXJCDEQjiXI/AAAAAAAAATc/i_CmvreQlqw/s320/boots.PNG" width="274" /></a></div>
River Island, £150<br />
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I imagine these are every bit as comfortable as the gibbet from which they were removed. You know, we don't display the bodies of executed miscreants at crossroads often enough these days.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-16645942844852455642013-04-19T18:04:00.001+01:002013-04-19T18:04:04.747+01:00That funny smell? It's style, being gently composted<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x3wTlqGao1Q/UXF3hhwfM_I/AAAAAAAAATM/v1BkKwRdL2s/s1600/hat.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x3wTlqGao1Q/UXF3hhwfM_I/AAAAAAAAATM/v1BkKwRdL2s/s320/hat.PNG" width="312" /></a></div>
Lovely! A scratchy acrylic beanie for those sultry summer days when only the fabulous binman look will do. <br />
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If you really want to throw away thirty pounds I'd lean your foot lightly 'pon the pedal-bin and place three crisp tenners gently therein. Money well spent, I'd say.<br />
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River Island, £30.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-48128136710677758172013-02-17T20:24:00.003+00:002013-03-01T15:59:48.094+00:00Yellow peril<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6Ep7F6h0xKs/USE7NFk1D4I/AAAAAAAAAS8/CXEDWGQdKqc/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-02-17+at+20.17.54.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6Ep7F6h0xKs/USE7NFk1D4I/AAAAAAAAAS8/CXEDWGQdKqc/s320/Screen+Shot+2013-02-17+at+20.17.54.png" width="314" /></a></div>
<a href="http://www.riverisland.com/women/shorts/smart-shorts/Yellow-fluro-boucle-smart-city-shorts-635171">http://www.riverisland.com/women/shorts/smart-shorts/Yellow-fluro-boucle-smart-city-shorts-635171</a><br />
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Well, these are fun, fun, fun, aren't they? River Island, the merry pranksters that they are, want you to feel like it's Sports Day 1975 all over again, coming last behind the dull girl with bristly knees and a faint but persistent odour of kippers.<br />
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£28. A bargain, given that these fasten at the back and come up all the way to your armpits.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-23132068212895139962012-10-24T20:29:00.000+01:002012-10-24T20:37:11.352+01:00Diamond queaser<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JlqszZ7O3Jc/UIg9VKlSFZI/AAAAAAAAASk/Hbdl4bpSUlE/s1600/5119439700001_Pink_l1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JlqszZ7O3Jc/UIg9VKlSFZI/AAAAAAAAASk/Hbdl4bpSUlE/s320/5119439700001_Pink_l1.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
Matthew Williamson wants you to wrap up tight this winter, so why not slip into a knit of the kind of transcendent ugliness that makes even the jet stream swerve north? <br />
Heartless bastards wear this kind of thing on a country walk and make deer plunge into the path of oncoming traffic.<br />
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£380, Urban Outfitters. If you've just won three hundred and eighty quid on an accumulator at Betfred, please go and blow it all on booze and unsuitable boyfriends instead.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-9753346139285812262012-10-24T19:56:00.004+01:002012-10-24T19:57:22.533+01:00Things that go clump in the night<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aGlyhkFoauQ/UIg21Wn_glI/AAAAAAAAASQ/BjSXREDHmi0/s1600/5139431330010_Red_l1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aGlyhkFoauQ/UIg21Wn_glI/AAAAAAAAASQ/BjSXREDHmi0/s320/5139431330010_Red_l1.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
The kind of visual disturbance vouchsafed only to the fevered, this dress is a warning that you have become dehydrated and need a Lemsip. Opening the cupboard to find this collapsing unpleasantly onto the carpet, rather than the usual rattly, disarticulated skeleton, is a super way to celebrate Hallowe'en, and is just the thing to wear while you are summoning the legions of the dead.<br />
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And those boots will make your mum think the ghosts of the entire Household Cavalry are in the house.<br />
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This is from House of Holland, and costs £225, which is more than the entire budget of all four Paranormal Activity films. That should have you leaping out of your seat and grabbing the arm of the stranger sitting next to you.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-55147811345718234772012-10-14T11:40:00.002+01:002012-10-14T11:41:59.501+01:00Dive! Dive! Dive!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TK_x7CiYhR8/UHqUTRCcGCI/AAAAAAAAAR8/g7VPsUc7SSE/s1600/07X12CBLK_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TK_x7CiYhR8/UHqUTRCcGCI/AAAAAAAAAR8/g7VPsUc7SSE/s320/07X12CBLK_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
Neoprene Oversized Boyfriend Coat, Topshop, £115<br />
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Quite apart from the obvious gag about oversized boyfriends, there are a number of things wrong with this coat. Of course there are, missy, otherwise it wouldn't be making an appearance in the Hall of Shame, now, would it? <br />
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Anyway, the neoprene thing: wetsuits work by trapping a layer of water 'twixt skin and suit, which warms up and thus allows you to swim underwater without turning blue. Furthermore, neoprene absorbs water and becomes enormously heavy. In a downpour you will be rather discommoded by this coat, a fact cheerfully disregarded by the designer at Topshop, who doesn't mind in the slightest that you'll look like The Thing From The Deep getting on the number 14 bus, trailing seaweed and noisome marine detritus. Still , it should shut up the singing bus chav for a bit.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-22294970144355811322012-10-11T23:31:00.002+01:002012-10-11T23:31:42.030+01:00Drudge, grudge and sludge<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-prDIa3dF1YI/UHc_qPAOTyI/AAAAAAAAARo/TVSqo4b9HFI/s1600/25R85CBLK_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-prDIa3dF1YI/UHc_qPAOTyI/AAAAAAAAARo/TVSqo4b9HFI/s320/25R85CBLK_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
This dress is described on Topshop's website as 'Hidden Bird Maxi Dress', which is apt as you will indeed be quite well obscured by it. Unless you are a man. Then it would be called the Hidden Bloke Maxi Dress.<br />
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My Nanna would have worn a floral housecoat when doing the housework, back in the mid-20th century when everything was apparently dirtier. Clearly, then, it is just the thing for Topshop's demographic, which seems to have veered from the usual twenty-somethings, to 1950s northern housewives, irritated that their newly-scrubbed bath is about to be sullied by coal again.<br />
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Topshop, £95. Eee, there'll be trouble at t'mill.<br />
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<br />booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-91645885705351912362012-10-10T20:57:00.001+01:002012-10-10T20:57:12.480+01:00Take your coat off or you won't feel the benefit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MYfeVHy96u4/UHXNDto86aI/AAAAAAAAARU/oiQCouCBLXk/s1600/25X26CNAV_3_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MYfeVHy96u4/UHXNDto86aI/AAAAAAAAARU/oiQCouCBLXk/s320/25X26CNAV_3_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
....is a phrase often repeated by aunties but never adequately explained. I doubt whether you'll get any sense out of them at all if you confront them with this.<br />
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This is an interesting development in cutesie bits-missing couture. You know, I think I'd want the elbows intact, as a sort of minimum standard in a winter coat, to prevent unwelcome gusts. But then that's just my rigidly conservative attitude to clothing: Topshop, I'm sure, feel a little more confident in their menu of winter attire, because they've priced this merry little amuse-bouche at a hundred bloody quid.<br />
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I once had my car vandalised by a mindless thug, and even that bastard didn't leave an invoice under the wiper blade. Tsk.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-80371972046442078502012-10-09T20:10:00.003+01:002012-10-09T20:10:50.702+01:00RTA<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sM3vO8kac9c/UHR2T4U9RfI/AAAAAAAAARA/vAXkq6YaOo4/s1600/Capture.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sM3vO8kac9c/UHR2T4U9RfI/AAAAAAAAARA/vAXkq6YaOo4/s320/Capture.PNG" width="166" /></a></div>
Help! I've been run over by a tractor! And then I've been run over again!<br />
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Exhibit A, River Island, £18.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-34724352357642161822012-10-09T19:52:00.000+01:002012-10-09T19:52:28.991+01:00Oh Fail Rail, how I've missed you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5XTqy6eA5t0/UHRsGZw7xHI/AAAAAAAAAQk/0YnskmPehWw/s1600/25X22CDNV_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5XTqy6eA5t0/UHRsGZw7xHI/AAAAAAAAAQk/0YnskmPehWw/s320/25X22CDNV_large.jpg" width="213" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5XTqy6eA5t0/UHRsGZw7xHI/AAAAAAAAAQk/0YnskmPehWw/s1600/25X22CDNV_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
Balloon zip trousers, £45, Topshop<br />
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Do you see these trousers? The front view suggests that you have not completely changed into your clown outfit for your weekly circus skills workshop, and are content to wander the streets with the lower half of a shoplifter replete with 'bargains' from Marks and Spencers.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aR8t-YJ5fZ8/UHRsNsTSfPI/AAAAAAAAAQs/FDkGQNezfic/s1600/25X22CDNV_2_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aR8t-YJ5fZ8/UHRsNsTSfPI/AAAAAAAAAQs/FDkGQNezfic/s320/25X22CDNV_2_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
And now, do you see them from the back?<br />
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That elasticated waistband! That drooping arse! A super choice for those who like to wear all their clothes at once and want to top them off with their Dad's waders. I imagine when you take them off, a stray bream will fall out, together with a fishing reel and tub of mealworms your mate Ted hid for a jape. <br />
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<br />booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-76451707793217480912012-03-23T17:52:00.002+00:002012-03-23T17:56:09.517+00:00I suppose one end sucks in seawater, and the other end blows it out<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ISKlgLhlH4Y/T2y2u15OpcI/AAAAAAAAAQc/fjPj8sOkD34/s1600/36H25BMUL_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ISKlgLhlH4Y/T2y2u15OpcI/AAAAAAAAAQc/fjPj8sOkD34/s320/36H25BMUL_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit;">The webpage 'Sea Cucumber Facts' states that '<span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify;">all sea cucumbers have some form of chemical defence that makes them disgusting to their predators and sometimes dangerous as well'.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: justify;">Well, that's us warned off then.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: justify;">Morphed Tribal Shorts, Topshop, £35. A percentage of the price is refunded to any purchaser who can render the description even faintly explicable.</span>booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-29032078066735377882012-03-16T17:59:00.000+00:002012-03-16T17:59:13.899+00:00Sitting atop the cistern, disguising the spare loo roll within<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TKSmTlqA2IY/T2N7XxyQA1I/AAAAAAAAAQU/UTNGUAjHPT4/s1600/23X21BWHT_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TKSmTlqA2IY/T2N7XxyQA1I/AAAAAAAAAQU/UTNGUAjHPT4/s320/23X21BWHT_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>Crocheted shorts, £36 Topshop.<br />
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People in the sixties and seventies were unaccountably coy about having toilet rolls on display. They got around this by buying a tiny dolly and crocheting a very long voluminous dress for it. The legs of the dolly (usually the chubby sort which came affixed to a card from the newsagents*) were then inserted into the cardboard tube, the skirt charmingly draped around the roll, and hey presto, no-one could possibly guess you had something so vulgar (good God!) as a lavatory in the house. <br />
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Here is a garment which perfectly captures that bewildering combination of shame, half-assed pretension to refinement and home knits so reminiscent of the seventies.<br />
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I also detect a hint of ungulate tarsal in the gusset.<br />
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*No, I don't know why toys like this were on sale in the newsagents - they certainly looked unappetising to my eight-year-old self, and I don't recall anyone buying them, apart from old ladies with bathroom requisites to conceal.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-43924407621017625662012-03-11T16:24:00.000+00:002012-03-11T16:24:22.651+00:00Oh look, we're being stared at again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TFvU0i3HF64/T1zO0d1I7ZI/AAAAAAAAAQM/Nbkf4F9nal4/s1600/618680_main.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TFvU0i3HF64/T1zO0d1I7ZI/AAAAAAAAAQM/Nbkf4F9nal4/s320/618680_main.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Many kinds of ugly have converged unhappily on this dress. It's a bit like a conference for dysfunctional patterns, where the delegates get to teambuild in tight migraine formation before going home to slide themselves back into their wallpaper pattern book collection.<br />
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This partial black ladder and diamond pattern laid atop a desperately perky chintz is a particular success at this year's symposium of horror (keynote speaker: Linda Barker). That diamond pattern at least allows the chest of the wearer to stare right back at that unpleasant sweaty bloke from Accounts.<br />
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And of couse there's a peplum. There's always a peplum.<br />
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River Island, £45.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-23670650638504257882012-02-25T13:27:00.000+00:002012-02-25T13:27:53.738+00:00Angry kimono is angry<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-18MCTzZfkEQ/T0jgWUs7GJI/AAAAAAAAAQE/8vdoSldmRuo/s1600/614051_main.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-18MCTzZfkEQ/T0jgWUs7GJI/AAAAAAAAAQE/8vdoSldmRuo/s320/614051_main.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I do dislike clothing with inadvertent facial expressions, and this kimono thing is clearly furious. At whom or what is not clear, but I'd stand well away if I were you. Mind you, how outraged would you be were your face enblazoned all over a pillowcase from Brentford Nylons? <br />
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£25, River Island.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-80885245835002820752012-02-22T21:17:00.000+00:002012-02-22T21:17:25.186+00:00What is that terrible clanging sound?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7dw0ASuAeGU/T0VZccZgD1I/AAAAAAAAAP8/TQwqWyn9J2g/s1600/14H42BBLK_normal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7dw0ASuAeGU/T0VZccZgD1I/AAAAAAAAAP8/TQwqWyn9J2g/s320/14H42BBLK_normal.jpg" width="214" /></a></div>Is it an old bike being flung into a skip? A brick being turned in a cement mixer to remove the dried-on clag? Oh, I see: the dreadful cacophony wrought upon your ears is the sound of the patterns on these shorts being forced together like adjoining tectonic plates. You know, geological catastrophe just doesn't look so worrying now this abomination has given us such a helpful perspective on the apocalypse.<br />
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Topshop, £30.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-75834761465992918852012-01-19T14:25:00.000+00:002012-01-19T14:25:05.882+00:00Interference<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ILzB8bQfwG4/TxgnD8LQ2MI/AAAAAAAAAP0/5XkhQr6lGYU/s1600/616157_main.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ILzB8bQfwG4/TxgnD8LQ2MI/AAAAAAAAAP0/5XkhQr6lGYU/s320/616157_main.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>If I bang this on the side, will the picture come into focus?<br />
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River Island, £20.<br />
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*Thanks to my colleague, Debs, who suggested this particular set needed retuning if we were to watch anything but Welsh television.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-11907311882400519342012-01-18T20:15:00.000+00:002012-01-18T20:15:01.623+00:00Colour Me Horrible<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XiHCZcnW5Po/Txch7u9BAII/AAAAAAAAAPs/AVQtYOc1Qac/s1600/614061_main.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XiHCZcnW5Po/Txch7u9BAII/AAAAAAAAAPs/AVQtYOc1Qac/s320/614061_main.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Well, this is a riot of colour, isn't it? Marker-pen doodling and ugly dip-dye fringing: if this were an insect I'd assume the colours were Nature's way of signalling distress, moderate gastric discomfort, or "I'm extravagantly poisonous and you'll find me at page 384 of The Traveller's Guide to Australia's Most Toxic Things Under a Centimetre Long". At least wearing this you'll scare predators.<br />
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River Island, £32.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-43447622811500258262012-01-11T21:58:00.000+00:002012-01-11T21:58:05.392+00:00Herd like a gaucho<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YIVcicJbs5I/Tw3_smPQlHI/AAAAAAAAAPk/W2wrSj48fes/s1600/image1xxl+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YIVcicJbs5I/Tw3_smPQlHI/AAAAAAAAAPk/W2wrSj48fes/s320/image1xxl+%25282%2529.jpg" width="250" /></a></div>Those of you of a certain vintage and a Catholic upbringing will remember the nice old ladies of the parish who used to knit squares to be made up into blankets for Mother Teresa's orphans. Since the sainted nun's demise (we know she's gone to Heaven because her face keeps appearing in currant buns), we are awash with variously-patterned irregularly-shaped knitted squares, and we must turn to Kookai, who have hastily stitched them up into woollen strangeness.<br />
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Asos, £74.50. If our tiny Albanian wrinkly were alive today, she'd be turning in her grave.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-3788845222157760452012-01-11T21:17:00.001+00:002012-01-11T21:17:58.239+00:00Saucy little Amish number<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yzZpCXJqk64/Tw3297t7OpI/AAAAAAAAAPc/l6CinjC0PDw/s1600/25R12BMUL_2_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yzZpCXJqk64/Tw3297t7OpI/AAAAAAAAAPc/l6CinjC0PDw/s320/25R12BMUL_2_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>Have we wandered on to the set of A Handmaid's Tale or something?<br />
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Topshop, £85.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-78552666843107811362012-01-10T19:05:00.001+00:002012-01-10T19:13:58.611+00:00Yes, I wondered what a gall bladder looked like, too<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f_RCOi_dC_8/TwyGxojN97I/AAAAAAAAAPU/a5RQZsMOXko/s1600/10N13BLME_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f_RCOi_dC_8/TwyGxojN97I/AAAAAAAAAPU/a5RQZsMOXko/s320/10N13BLME_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;">A lime tie-dye print - super! On a bodycon dress - couldn't be better! A clingy frock with smears of bile against a nu-rave crocodile hide is just the thing to ensure instant social success at any high-toned palais de dance, I'm sure. And it's a snip at £29!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Now I've calmed down slightly, I note that Topshop, whence this terror emanates, has a number of horse-frighteners like this. River Island also has a number of new-season pieces in lime, which it is teaming with black and white striped jackets and shorts. I've written that last sentence because I know you, dear reader, will have your head full of gambolling bunnies in meadows, fairies gathering snowdrops, and delightful low-key spring garments in pretty colours,<i> and it's time you got with the programme. </i>I mean, jeez.</div>booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-24637498990773619202011-12-31T16:32:00.000+00:002011-12-31T16:32:31.657+00:00Tiny lifeless mammal now available at your favourite online store<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_-op8bUAUoY/Tv81kogVyuI/AAAAAAAAAPM/SHtjAkjyoMw/s1600/image1xxl+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_-op8bUAUoY/Tv81kogVyuI/AAAAAAAAAPM/SHtjAkjyoMw/s320/image1xxl+%25281%2529.jpg" width="250" /></a></div>I don't usually write posts about accessories: most designers reserve their rashness for garments, I find. However, this small item deserves attention: it's described by Asos as a raccoon tail, which is a charitable description, given that it looks like something the cat has laid on the back doorstep in a gesture of affection to the householder. The cat presumably expects you to wear the pelts of its enemies as a symbol of your undying loyalty.<br />
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Further consideration suggests that this is a charm which can be clipped to a belt or bag, although Christ knows exactly what it's supposed to be warding off. The bad luck's already arrived, I'm afraid.<br />
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£5 in the sale.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-88634047292821925102011-12-31T16:13:00.000+00:002011-12-31T16:13:03.820+00:00Happy New - Gah!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YJNg6iA_o3k/Tv8xdFajRhI/AAAAAAAAAPA/sYkP1ivt9ns/s1600/image1xxl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YJNg6iA_o3k/Tv8xdFajRhI/AAAAAAAAAPA/sYkP1ivt9ns/s320/image1xxl.jpg" width="250" /></a></div>Generally, most garments can be safely categorised as a dress, shirt, blouse, tarpaulin, etc. This item, however, will defy taxonomy, and even the most advanced mathematician will be hard pressed to provide an adequate Venn diagram of fashion to incorporate this startling offering from Asos.<br />
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I suppose there is something brave about the entire lack of symmetry, the mystifying school-shirt collar and cape-style sleeve, but it's the kind of bravery fuelled by fly agaric mushrooms and big swords. Fashion magazines will probably describe this as 'adventurous', but the fluorescence will already have warned us off, thanks.<br />
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Asos, £70.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-74371273328735979692011-12-13T18:56:00.000+00:002011-12-13T18:56:49.160+00:00Caution: vehicle reversing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-40tdwpfphFo/TueceEEiueI/AAAAAAAAAOs/C1ttXc9Dy8M/s1600/image1xxl+%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-40tdwpfphFo/TueceEEiueI/AAAAAAAAAOs/C1ttXc9Dy8M/s320/image1xxl+%25283%2529.jpg" width="250" /></a></div>Is it any wonder this lady looks tired? There she is, working hard in a windswept multistorey carpark, her high-vis shirt the only thing between her and being firmly pinned to the security barrier by a distracted shopper.<br />
If anything will serve as a fluorescent warning to fashion-lovers, this ought to: that curious long flap thing will be tugged at by small children who wish to draw your attention to the fact that Mum has got her hand stuck up the ticket machine.<br />
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The overdone cap sleeves and looseness about the shoulders should also serve as further exhortation to avoid flaccid tailoring. <br />
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£30 at Asos. Hot diggity.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-854651323712011362011-12-13T18:10:00.000+00:002011-12-13T18:10:12.682+00:00Just the thing for straining a festive sprout<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LfovYvlFrtI/TueS6v2gA7I/AAAAAAAAAOk/YfvlGiIlYX4/s1600/25R08BBLK_2_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LfovYvlFrtI/TueS6v2gA7I/AAAAAAAAAOk/YfvlGiIlYX4/s320/25R08BBLK_2_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>This diaphanous garment is described as a tennis dress: wearing it will perk up racquet sports no end, and the umpire will probably lose track of the score. However, the players will have no trouble washing out grass stains, as the care label has been so glaringly left in the seam. A lovely touch there, Topshop, seeing as you're charging £90 for what amounts to three square inches of fabric and a great deal of fresh air.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-976452962805242416.post-61795653539852169192011-12-12T15:17:00.000+00:002011-12-12T15:17:31.784+00:00In case you need reining in<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1jKZt2omT_E/TuYXuXX-VhI/AAAAAAAAAOU/-sHQH3RiT2s/s1600/19Y35YLTN_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1jKZt2omT_E/TuYXuXX-VhI/AAAAAAAAAOU/-sHQH3RiT2s/s320/19Y35YLTN_large.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>This is frankly the most bizarre object to appear in this blog. Most of the other things I post are merely ugly or strangely-patterned, but this defeats explanation.<br />
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It's described as a harness, so it'll be jolly handy if you're in the 4.30 at Haydock, or have been recently executed, your remains displayed in a gibbet at the crossroads as a deterrent to cattle-rustlers. Worn backwards over the head it doubles as a scold's bridle.<br />
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And so handy for Wichita linemen, too!<br />
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£40. There are <i>specialist</i> shops for this sort of thing, you know, Topshop.booktastichttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08588694658154956270noreply@blogger.com0