Schlock horror

River Island, £150

I imagine these are every bit as comfortable as the gibbet from which they were removed.  You know, we don't display the bodies of executed miscreants at crossroads often enough these days.

That funny smell? It's style, being gently composted

Lovely!  A scratchy acrylic beanie for those sultry summer days when only the fabulous binman look will do.

If you really want to throw away thirty pounds I'd lean your foot lightly 'pon the pedal-bin and place three crisp tenners gently therein.  Money well spent, I'd say.

River Island, £30.

Yellow peril

http://www.riverisland.com/women/shorts/smart-shorts/Yellow-fluro-boucle-smart-city-shorts-635171

Well, these are fun, fun, fun, aren't they?  River Island, the merry pranksters that they are, want you to feel like it's Sports Day 1975 all over again, coming last behind the dull girl with bristly knees and a faint but persistent odour of kippers.

£28.  A bargain, given that these fasten at the back and come up all the way to your armpits.