Interference

If I bang this on the side, will the picture come into focus?

River Island, £20.



*Thanks to my colleague, Debs, who suggested this particular set needed retuning if we were to watch anything but Welsh television.

Colour Me Horrible

Well, this is a riot of colour, isn't it?  Marker-pen doodling and ugly dip-dye fringing:  if this were an insect I'd assume the colours were Nature's way of signalling distress, moderate gastric discomfort, or "I'm extravagantly poisonous and you'll find me at page 384 of The Traveller's Guide to Australia's Most Toxic Things Under a Centimetre Long".  At least wearing this you'll scare predators.

River Island, £32.

Herd like a gaucho

Those of you of a certain vintage and a Catholic upbringing will remember the nice old ladies of the parish who used to knit squares to be made up into blankets for Mother Teresa's orphans.  Since the sainted nun's demise (we know she's gone to Heaven because her face keeps appearing in currant buns), we are awash with variously-patterned irregularly-shaped knitted squares, and we must turn to Kookai, who have hastily stitched them up into woollen strangeness.

Asos, £74.50.  If our tiny Albanian wrinkly were alive today, she'd be turning in her grave.

Saucy little Amish number

Have we wandered on to the set of A Handmaid's Tale or something?

Topshop, £85.

Yes, I wondered what a gall bladder looked like, too

A lime tie-dye print - super! On a bodycon dress - couldn't be better!  A clingy frock with smears of bile against a nu-rave crocodile hide is just the thing to ensure instant social success at any high-toned palais de dance, I'm sure.  And it's a snip at £29!

Now I've calmed down slightly, I note that Topshop, whence this terror emanates, has a number of horse-frighteners like this.  River Island also has a number of new-season pieces in lime, which it is teaming with black and white striped jackets and shorts.  I've written that last sentence because I know you, dear reader, will have your head full of gambolling bunnies in meadows, fairies gathering snowdrops, and delightful low-key spring garments in pretty colours, and it's time you got with the programme.  I mean, jeez.