Interference

If I bang this on the side, will the picture come into focus?

River Island, £20.



*Thanks to my colleague, Debs, who suggested this particular set needed retuning if we were to watch anything but Welsh television.

Colour Me Horrible

Well, this is a riot of colour, isn't it?  Marker-pen doodling and ugly dip-dye fringing:  if this were an insect I'd assume the colours were Nature's way of signalling distress, moderate gastric discomfort, or "I'm extravagantly poisonous and you'll find me at page 384 of The Traveller's Guide to Australia's Most Toxic Things Under a Centimetre Long".  At least wearing this you'll scare predators.

River Island, £32.

Herd like a gaucho

Those of you of a certain vintage and a Catholic upbringing will remember the nice old ladies of the parish who used to knit squares to be made up into blankets for Mother Teresa's orphans.  Since the sainted nun's demise (we know she's gone to Heaven because her face keeps appearing in currant buns), we are awash with variously-patterned irregularly-shaped knitted squares, and we must turn to Kookai, who have hastily stitched them up into woollen strangeness.

Asos, £74.50.  If our tiny Albanian wrinkly were alive today, she'd be turning in her grave.

Saucy little Amish number

Have we wandered on to the set of A Handmaid's Tale or something?

Topshop, £85.

Yes, I wondered what a gall bladder looked like, too

A lime tie-dye print - super! On a bodycon dress - couldn't be better!  A clingy frock with smears of bile against a nu-rave crocodile hide is just the thing to ensure instant social success at any high-toned palais de dance, I'm sure.  And it's a snip at £29!

Now I've calmed down slightly, I note that Topshop, whence this terror emanates, has a number of horse-frighteners like this.  River Island also has a number of new-season pieces in lime, which it is teaming with black and white striped jackets and shorts.  I've written that last sentence because I know you, dear reader, will have your head full of gambolling bunnies in meadows, fairies gathering snowdrops, and delightful low-key spring garments in pretty colours, and it's time you got with the programme.  I mean, jeez.

Tiny lifeless mammal now available at your favourite online store

I don't usually write posts about accessories:  most designers reserve their rashness for garments, I find.  However, this small item deserves attention:  it's described by Asos as a raccoon tail, which is a charitable description, given that it looks like something the cat has laid on the back doorstep in a gesture of affection to the householder.  The cat presumably expects you to wear the pelts of its enemies as a symbol of your undying loyalty.

Further consideration suggests that this is a charm which can be clipped to a belt or bag, although Christ knows exactly what it's supposed to be warding off.  The bad luck's already arrived, I'm afraid.

£5 in the sale.

Happy New - Gah!

Generally, most garments can be safely categorised as a dress, shirt,  blouse, tarpaulin, etc.  This item, however, will defy taxonomy, and even the most advanced mathematician will be hard pressed to provide an adequate Venn diagram of fashion to incorporate this startling offering from Asos.

I suppose there is something brave about the entire lack of symmetry, the mystifying school-shirt collar and cape-style sleeve, but it's the kind of bravery fuelled by fly agaric mushrooms and big swords.  Fashion magazines will probably describe this as 'adventurous', but the fluorescence will already have warned us off, thanks.

Asos, £70.