Oh, I can use this to carry onions home

...or strain peas.


£38 from River Island.

Beige is all the rage - if you can summon up enough energy to get even slightly exercised by this tedious garment

Ladies wearing this will be bored into catatonia so rigid, workmen will be able to carry them under their arms like planks.

It's light brown, it's mid-length, it's poylester, an..........<zzzzzzzzzz>  Oh, sorry, drifted off there for a few moments.

Yes, River Island, we will gladly pay thirty quid to squander our remaining existence in a fog of tedium.

Well, I'll just let this do all the talking

You'll probably stop laughing when you learn the price of this abomination.  £20, River Island.

Your own personal oil slick

Don't go near any stranded wildfowl in this, or a well-meaning environmentalist will try to hose you down.  £40 at River Island.

Oh look, the new Everton away kit!

...and while you're at it, put your mittens on a string and thread them through the arms of your anorak.

Twenty-eight quid from Ripoff River Island.

It's 100% polyester and it's washable!

....should not be the best you can say about a garment.  However:

What is this trying to be?  Length + colour = dowdy  BUT long splits up the sides?  Which moral code are you trying to satisfy?  Stop doing this, Topshop, and above all stop doing it for fifty-five quid.

Librarians: not necessarily in love with cardigans

...and certainly not with this one.  It's the sort of thing which will attract fag ash and a lingering aroma of Fray Bentos.  On the other hand, perhaps I'll slip this little number on and find myself drawn, tractor-beam-like, to Emmerdale with 20 Woodbines and an orange-bottomed poodle.  On the other other hand, for £38, I probably won't.

River Island, in case you hadn't guessed.