Ah yes, the venerable tartan of the Battenbergs

I think this is a plaid more suited to the coats of little Scottie dogs to make them look jolly and a little less like the ravening mad bastards they are.  And indeed this lady looks quite prepared to take a nip at the postman's backside now that she's wearing this thing.

This damned knit will enrage even the most mild-mannered librarian, and certainly it's making me want to leave teethmarks in the designer's ankles and shelve all the large print Mills and Boon in Home Carpentry.

Asos, £31.50.  It's in the sale, which comes as a terrible surprise.