Git out there and clank!

This skirt may just look odd, given that the mannequin is probably not well-proportioned.  But there's no escaping the fact that it resembles a lead coffin whose lid is about to be prized off by one of those hirsute chappies on archaeological digs, whose breezy attitude to mangled cadavers makes one suspect a similar disregard for personal hygiene, haircuts, age-appropriate trousers, etc.

This metallic brocade fabric is so fabulous it deserves better than being styled into a section of sewer pipe.  And the length on the leg is frankly depraved:  one's thighs will look like a couple of hams smuggled out of the butcher's.

Topshop, £90.