The sort of thing you find growing at the back of the pan cupboard

In  the absence of a compass, you determine north by ascertaining on which side of the tree trunk moss grows.  If a small boy scout feels your leg while you're wearing these, it will not be because he fancies you - he just doesn't know how to get out of Stanley Park.

These trousers, for God's sake, have an elasticated waist.  They are tapered, and - in further disregard for a lady's silhouette - have voluminous pockets.  They then dwindle to nothing at the ankle, making your legs look like two carrots.

At least the camouflage will break up your outline next time a leopard eyes you up.

Thirty-five sodding quid from Miss Selfridge.