Recycled duvet filling

For the love of God, don't wear this when you go to see short-sighted Aunt Edna, or she will pick you up and attempt to dust the mantelpiece.  And that will be the end of that nice china flamenco dancer she brought back from one of the Costas in 1976, and those castanets she can be persuaded to snap after a couple of Cinzanos at Christmas. Don't shout 'Ole!', as this will only prompt her to get out the Viewmaster and show you her pictures of that 'holiday' in Fuengirola with Ernesto.

And also the lyre bird will want his mating plumage back.

Topshop, £75.