This sweater will beat you in a staring contest

This nasty pattern probably has a rich and ancient heritage in Woman's Realm knitting patterns from the fifties. Our achingly modern and sophisticated sense of kitsch bids us wear this kind of jumper at Christmas, whereat we all laugh heartily and thank our deity of choice that this sort of thing will never happen again, much like tuberculosis or scrofula.

£46!  You can get something similar at one of those anorak shops on Lytham Road for far less.  Available at Topshop, where it will linger, unhappily.